hotel room ftw
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
