moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
