You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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