Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
