Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
