do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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