I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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