in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
My hand turned me down
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
