so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
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somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING