so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We need to rekindle our bromance
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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