Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
