the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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