I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
