I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses