We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
