If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
