I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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