It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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