woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
