I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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