Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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