just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
