tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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