I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
soo... how was my night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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