Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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