If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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