the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
