I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
