i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
