i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
