I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
