I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
