Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
