hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
