I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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