She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
