So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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