I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
