im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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