dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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