the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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