hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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