I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The chlamydia really affected his face.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
