I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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