I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
