He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
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you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking