I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
