Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
