I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
