I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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