I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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