I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
