I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
