I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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