Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
