My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
we should paint friendship bongs
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