If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
