Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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