I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
