We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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