I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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