rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
